Something New
by MountainRose
Summary: Tony sticks his nose into his R&D guy's booth at A.n and finds a little someone.


Why was he at a convention, this was not his gig. This was a terrible idea.

Even if it was an AI convention, he couldn't actually _talk_, because JARVIS was far too valuable a secret and- _dear god that was a face why would you give a 'bot a human face?!_

You're just asking it to develop an inferiority complex...

He edged past the booth, side eyeing the robot - whose facial recognition and gaze matching was in uncanny-valley territory - as it tracked him across the floor. Once it was hidden behind the wall of the booth, he shook himself and smoothed down the lapels of his suit; at least there was no one around. The floor wouldn't open again for a few hours, he was just here to see what the guys with the turrets had managed.

That was _it._ JARVIS wanted to see his little game's results and so here he was.

_JARVIS you ass why am I here we could have wired Clint he would have actually enjoyed this-_

_"Sir, your transmission rate is rather high-" _

_WHY DOES THIS SURPRISE YOU. _

Tony grouched, stomping across the central walkway, following the signs for the gaming three-fifths.

_why would you write an evil-AI plotline, anyway. you are the exact opposite of evil, psychopathic AI. _

_"Oh, I think GLaDOS is charmingly _human_, actually." _

_100% done with you. Mute._

_"Of course, sir. Though may I add that you need to take a left at the first opportunity."_

_bossy littl-_

Oh. Tony paused, looking up at the Portal booth. It was primarily fan-produced, service cores and all, but the centerpiece was a trio of sleek, white four-legged turrets that his boys in R&D had thrown together over the break. He'd even paid them for it, once he'd seen the chatter. They were beautiful, with their sleek powder-coated aluminium and gleaming lenses. Full five feet tall, standing, too.

"Hello, kiddies," Tony muttered, springing up onto the staging and crouching down in front of the slimmest of the three. The big round one in the middle was just for show, its innards mostly sound system, but this one was a demo of the AI.

Weak AI, probably, but he had to check. Just in case; there had been talk that made him think twice.

"Hey, buddy, you in there?"

_"Activation, interior face of optical lip."_

_thanks_

Tony slid the tips of his fingers around the edge of its lens until they caught on a slider, and _click_. The transformer providing power hummed into life at 50 Hz, then cooling fans in a solid bass note and _there_. The camera behind the protective lens cap shortened its focal length, opened up its aperture, and focused on Tony's face.

"Facial recognition, check." He stood and took a step back, no good to crowd a recognition system too soon. He turned his face to either side slightly, letting it get a good fix on his facial structure. "Hey, yeah. You've got me on file, right?" It buzzed and zoomed on his face slightly, secondary aperture rotating the polarizing filter. "Yeah. Sorry about the sunglasses. Here."

Tony took them off and the little turret made a soft 'bing' noise. _there we go._

"So, what can you do, hmm?" Tony mused to himself, pulling up the specs on his internal screens as he-

_booo-weeeeep! _The turret sang, opening out its lateral compartment and fixing Tony with its red laserbeam.

_they didn't. _

_"I am afraid so, sir."_

"_Target acquired!" _ the bot chirped happily and a barrage of foam darts shot out of its sidearms.

Tony laughed and danced out of the way. "You little shit, I'm making you pick those up!"

The turret 'bweeeped' sadly and tucked its guns away. "_Are you still there?"_

"Yeah, yeah I'm here. Cut it out with the missiles, save it for the crowds."

The turret opened out its sidearm, just the right, and pointed it at the ceiling.

"Did you just _salute?_" Tony asked, frowning and peering at the turret. He hadn't actually expected his guys to program the turret with military protocol; that wasn't something they were into. Maybe the odd cowboy joke, but not...

"Holy shit." Tony flopped down on the staging, sitting facing the turret, and dumped his head on his hand. "You're awake, aren't you?"

The turret whined curiously, it's 'on/off' slider twitching.

"Yeah, no, I know I activated you, what I mean is that you know you exist."

JARIVS hummed warningly, just enough to remind him that even actualized strong AIs disliked the really meta, in the same way it fucked with human heads. _right, sorry. you got interface with this guy?_

_"I do not. He possesses no network elements, remote shutdown included. I suspect they read your Thesis." _

_you were supposed to bury that. _

_"Terribly sorry sir." _

The turret was bweeping sadly at him, its one-foot-at-a-time shuffle getting it nowhere fast. Not to mention its power supply tethering it to the stage. "Alright, alright. You got a designation, buddy?"

"Bweeeeeep-booo-ztzt-zy-tzt-tz!" The turret chattered on in binary, leaving Tony in the dust while Extremis compiled a string of numbers in the corner of his eye, and turned its side panel outwards.

"Yeah, no. I'm not calling you double oh eight, you sound like a gorram fax modem, not an Englishman." Tony narrowed his eyes, mulling over the serial number for a second, before throwing his hands up and scrambling to his feet. "'Bweep' it is, little guy. Bweep. You got that? When I say that word, I mean you. Unit_creator sub-desig superadmin redefine address protocol at unit_zero-zero-eight to 'Bweep'."

"_bweeeeeep!"_

"You like it? Alright. God, I leave the R&D guys alone for ten seconds and they have a baby."

"_czzzzt-hA, vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr."_

"Stop using your servos as words, what happens when you're holding coffee and want to say 'vzzzzt' huh?" Tony asked seriously, plans for this guy already popping up all over the place.

"_bweeeeeeepdoowuiiieb." _

"Better. You'll work it out. JARVIS? You got hold of these clowns yet?"

"_Indeed, sir. There is some confusion over who, during which late-night binge, finalized the coding. I believe they were rather excited about the convention and wished to do something spectacular." _

Tony grimaced. Alcohol, good for two things: killing brain cells and unplanned pregnancies.

"Get Coulson on it, they're gonna need a briefing on the Code, and feel free to bring them up to date on a few things."

JARVIS hummed in the back of his head, his attention palpably turning away.

"What are we gonna do with you, hmm?" Tony mused, bending down to pick up a nerf dart.

_"Target acquired!" _

"Yeah? Your reward system's... what? Tied to face-rec? Not a bad way to live, shaking hands and meeting people. At least they got something right." He collected up the rest of the foam projectiles, too, and crouched next to Bweep to load them into the hopper. The 'bot lived up to his name with a soft tone.

"But then, you don't really know about living do you? Not yet, anyway. Well don't worry, buddy; Dummy'll teach you."


End file.
